


self harm

by Marvelousxmalec



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Coping, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Fluff, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Protective Magnus Bane, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Supportive Clary Fray, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Supportive Jace Wayland, Supportive Magnus Bane, Supportive Simon Lewis, The Author Regrets Everything, Triggers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, author that self harmed, author with mental health issues, it is sad, kind of, no beta we die like men, read the mother fucking tags, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25410799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvelousxmalec/pseuds/Marvelousxmalec
Summary: alec is hit with an urge of self harm and finds himself home alone having to fight it off
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 4
Kudos: 122





	self harm

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING   
> if you skipped the tags i'm saying it again. this fic centers around self harm and descriptions of a panic attack. read at your risk!   
> another thing i will add is that i'm writing all of this out of my own personal experiences with these matters. everything that is written here are things that iv'e been through to make this accurate.
> 
> if you are sure you won't be triggered by this, enjoy your reading.

Alec felt his body shaking. his throat was dry and his breathing was intense and uneven. tears were rolling down his face, so so many that he could barely see. his face feeling uncomfortably hot and sweaty. He felt like ripping off his skin.

his skin was crawling in every part of his body. All his muscles were flexed and tensed up. He set down by the end of the bed, curled up in himself, holding his knees up to his chest while his head is stuck between both of his knees. He was pressing on his head with his legs from the sides, making himself slightly suffocate.

He was in the loft all by himself. magnus was away with a client. meanwhile alec was alone with his thoughts, which lately became a bad idea. For the past few weeks alec had been suffering from relapses and urges of self harm. Since this issue was never addressed before, now when it was coming back, it was always very intense feelings and situations.

at the beginning he couldn't control it. he would get that feeling and would just immediately cut around his hands, mostly between his fingers. because it was easy and he was used to it by now. But after a few times of doing it magnus started to do everything he can to make sure alec doesn't hurt himself again.

He wouldn't let alec leave his sight for days. he would hold onto his hands for hours just to calm him down. One time he went far, saying that next time he'll find a new wound he would cut himself in the same place. it definitely scared alec. he didn't want to be a burden even more then he was feeling. He didn't want to disappoint magnus, so whenever he would feel like hurting himself, he would go to him, asking for help.

But now magnus isn't here. alec has to fight these demons on his own. he feels like he's dying. the pressure on his head was killing him. his heart pounding loudly inside his head. he was hearing strong, pitched ringing in his ears too.

He was fighting it off with everything ounce of power he had in him, but he was getting tired. He was tired from his heavy breathing, feeling slightly dizzy from getting to much oxygen inside his lungs. His legs were staring to feel strained, the muscles buring.

But he also felt tired by all if this ordeal. The last few weeks of relapse and recovery. Relapse and recovery. Relapse and recovery. He was tired of the unending cycle of torture and pain his own body and mind has been putting him through every single day.

Sometimes he gave up the fight. Because the power he was meant to believe he possessed felt like it was nonexistent. Sometimes he pushed through. Remembering who he will be disappointing if he relapsed. Sometimes he discovered an amount of power he never imagined he could have. Sometimes he was proud. Sometimes he felt worthless, not worth everyone's worries. Not worth all this love he has.

So many people were by his side. It was both heartwarming and heartbreaking. He felt so loved and supported but also couldn't shake the thought that ge didn't deserve it.

His mom checked on him as much as he would let her. Maryse has taken to the internet and mundane libraries researching about self harm tendencies and what would be the cause of them. She thought she might find some healthy coping methods to replace the unhealthy one alec had now. Her son doesn't deserve all that pain.

His siblings watched over him silently. He knew they were but chose not to comment. It didn't effect their work at the institute. They remained professional and efficient as shadowhunters. They were just looking out for their big brother, just like alec would do for them any other day. Izzy and jace believed in him. They knew he's the strongest man they've ever known. He can fight this, but he's not fighting alone. Ever.

Even Simon and clary were a part of his support team. Apparently art was something that calmed alec down and clary was getting very impressed how quickly he mastered some art skills. And music seemed to help distract him. Magnus still remembers the night he had to come to Simon's apartment because they got distracted with simon teaching alec how to play on his electric guitar. both of those things gave him joy in his pass time when he wasn't overworking himself to the brim. And the friendship he made with clary and Simon was stronger then anyone ever expected it to be.

And again, then there was magnus. He looked out for alec more then anyone. He wasn't trying to hide it. Alec knew he was always worried. But at the end so many people were worried about him. He didn't deserve it.

Magnus walked into the loft, looking around for alec. he checks around and then yells his name. No answer. He started to worry, thinking something bad might have happened. that alec relapsed.

He ran to the bedroom and opened the door. His heart ached. he could hear it shattering inside of him. His boyfriend is right in front of him, but he's not standing tall and authoritative. He's not smiling to Magnus coming home. He's sitting down on the floor, sodding and panicking, broken and scared.

He ran to alec and pulled him to his feet, magnus had many methods to help stop alec's urges. Each time he just tries all of them to see which one works out and helps, and if none of them work? He thinks of something else. it takes time, but no matter what, magnus never stopped until alec was feeling better.

he pulled alec to the bathroom and turned on the water in the sink, cold water started pouring out. He stuck his hands under the tap and let his hands get soaked up in the freezing water. He pulled his wet hands away from the sink and pressed them onto alec's face. then on his neck and wherever else he can reach. And he does that again and again, four times, and alec starts to cool down. his breathing is consistent again, but he was still shaking slightly. So magnus pulled him and they both set on the bed, facing each other.

He grabbed alec's hands between his own and let out his magic go and engulf them, making alec's hands feel numb, so it won't hurt at all. Alec felt drained, he let his head fall forward, his forehead pressing to magnus's. his eyes closed.

"My sweet boy, is everything okay now?" Magnus spoke to him gently, of course everything wasn't okay in the grand scheme of things, magnus knew that. He just asked to know if this urge, this time, has finally passed. one hand let go of alec's hands to hold his face. his thumb creasing his cheek.

"Yes.. i just. I need a few more minutes to forget.." the younger man whispered. magnus nodded, he'll stay like this for as long as alec needs him to. "Can you kiss me?" Alec said, as quietly as possible. Magnus knew what he wanted.

Their kisses are always full of love, lust, intensity and passion. But a kiss after this, it's for alec to focus on something else, when they kiss alec doesn't think about anything except the feeling of the kiss. The feeling of their love.

Their lips brushed tenderly against each other, barely even touching. nonetheless, the intimacy is more than enough for alec's thoughts to just think about magnus. how gentle he is, how soft his lips are, how much he loves him.

They pulled away and magnus invited alec to lay down, softly pushing alec's head to his lap. Alec twisted his body and laid sideways, his eyes flattered close when he felt magnus stroking his hair and rubbing his head.

"thank you for holding on for so long when i wasn't here, I'll be quicker next time so this won't happen again, i promise." Magnus said, one of magnus' hands grabbed onto alec's bicep and caressed the skin with his thumb "thank you for always taking care of me" alec turned his head to look up at magnus, his eyes grateful. "i get to love you, taking care of you is the best thing that I'll ever do"

**Author's Note:**

> i have many ideas that could turn this into a story of recovery and alec trying to stay clean with the help of his friends and family. if you want me to turn this into a story let me know in the comments!


End file.
